I did something bad

I did something bad last night.

Before I tell you what it is, you should know that I’m currently on a health journey (said goodbye to 25 pounds so far!👋🏼). I’ve completely revised the way I see food and exercise.

But guys. Last night I had pizza.

It was the first and only slice I’ve had all year and I was so angry at myself after I caved into the temptation. But then I realized something.

One piece of pizza is not going to undo all of the hard work I’ve done.

One bad day is not going to make me gain the weight back.

I can pursue health and fitness and cheat every once and a while.

So I wanted to pass on this reminder to you:

Choose healthy foods. Make exercising a priority even when you don’t feel like it (sometimes it takes me 10 minutes to get out of the car and go into the gym😂) 

Change your lifestyle because you love yourself and your body.

But girl, PLEASE don’t beat yourself up over food. Healthy mindsets are just as important as healthy bodies.

And lastly, eat the pizza every once and a while 😉

I’m not ready for this

 am not ready.

For weeks now I’ve allowed myself to speak unreadiness over my life, my confidence, and my body. Excitement was always followed with worries of falling short.

As the months turned into weeks and the weeks turned into days I would find myself awake at 1 AM asking God, “are you sure I’m prepared for this? Are you sure this open door wasn’t meant for someone else? Am I hearing you clearly?” 

Isn’t it funny how we often find ourselves questioning God’s judgement like we know better?

I’ll tell you how I honestly feel.

Underneath the initial excitement is fear, anxiety, and insecurities. There is a lurking feeling of inadequacy and unpreparedness.

Now I’ll tell you how God feels.

He says I am ready. He says, “daughter, I’ve been preparing you for such a time as this.” He says I am enough.

I may feel like I’m not prepared to take this massive leap out of my comfort zone, but the reality is that God never wanted me there in the first place. In His eyes, I am ready.

And girl, so are you.

If God has opened up intimidating doors for you, walk through them. Those feelings of inadequacy are part of satan’s plan to make sure you never see the wonders on the other side of your obedience.

As I wait to board this plane God is whispering to me, “you are ready for this.” 

And you know what? I think I finally believe Him.

I cannot fathom this kind of love

I sat on the pier the other night and looked out over the waves. The sun was setting over the tops of the palm trees as I began a conversation with God.

My prayer was overwhelmed with astonishment not only at God’s creation, but that He was allowing me to bask in it. I couldn’t believe that He had brought me to this island and introduced me to these people. I was overcome with awe at how much He cares for me.

And in that moment, almost just as light as the breeze, I heard Him whisper something to me. “I want to give you so much more than all of this.” Wow.

As I stare in astonishment at the things God has made, the places He has brought me, and the people He has given me, I am reminded just how powerful and mighty His love is for me.

I serve a kind God.

In His eyes, the wind and waves and sun and sand pale in comparison to me. They are nothing. It is me He loves. It is me He wants to give so much more to. It is me that He marvels at.

And my heart can’t seem to fathom that kind of love but oh I’m so thankful to have found it.

God deserves my unashamed praise

I stood in worship and cried.

I raised my hands and cried. I couldn’t sing but I cried. Those tears and trembling hands were my worship. They were what I had to give in that moment.

As I looked around the room I saw people on their knees, on their backs, on their faces. I saw people pouring their hearts into the music and I saw people with their heads bowed in silence. I saw a desperation for Jesus. I felt it. My heart was left raw and open yet completely healed and full.

I desire to worship.

Genuinely. Passionately. Desperately.

God deserves my heart. He deserves my unashamed songs of praise. He deserves more than memorized lyrics and complacency.

I am given the opportunity to worship the One who hung the stars. The One who makes the darkness flee. The One who whispered my name as He hovered over the empty and formless earth.

And He doesn’t want my lukewarm praise. 
He wants my heart. Open and bleeding. He wants my tears and raised hands. He wants the prayer of my heart when spoken words are too much.

I am done taking His presence for granted. I am done being okay with meaningless praise. I am done being complacent when the God of the universe gives me His attention.

I was created to worship wholeheartedly and doing so is the only way my heart will ever truly become full. Unashamed tears, desperation, and shaking hands if that’s what it takes.

saying goodbye is hard

I sat in the prayer room and brought my hurting heart before God.

I wept because He gives and He takes away. I rejoiced because of where He’s brought me. I thanked Him for all He’s done. I took my heart, tangled and twisted with battling emotions, and laid it at His feet.

God has been kind enough to put the light of His love in my life through other people. He has graciously given me the gift of friendship with so many beautiful souls. People of all nations and tongues. People who love Jesus with their entire heart. People who struggle. People who are broken. People who love me. People I love.

Saying goodbye is hard. It hurts.

But there is beauty in looking into the eyes of another and seeing tears there as a result of love for you. There is beauty in grieving the presence of a soul bonded to your own. There is beauty in a hurting heart.

It’s evidence that God has given us something real and genuine. Something special. It’s evidence of love.

So yes, my heart is sad.

Tears come when I remember that some, maybe most, of these goodbyes were final on this earth. I am weighed down by the fact that I have hugged some of these special people for the last time until heaven reunites us again.

My heart is full of love and pain at the same time but oh I am so thankful.

I wouldn’t take back one single second that contributed to the heaviness in my chest because it means I have loved and been loved.

And thank you Jesus for the opportunity to hurt over something so wonderful.

for the girl in waiting

Sometimes the waiting seems tedious.

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder how long I’ll have to wait for A, B, and C to happen.

Sometimes I can’t help but turn to God and ask, “how long?” I’ve yet to receive a response but I’ll keep ya posted.

And with still no answer to that question, He has laid it on my heart to write to the girl in waiting today, and also to myself.

If I know anything about God’s character, I know that He doesn’t make me wait without cause. There is purpose in each season. There are lessons that I still need to learn. There are people that I still need to meet. There are places that I still need to go. I don’t want to rob myself of this season of growth. God is not in a hurry, why am I?

God wants me and you to make the most of this waiting season. He wants us to live on purpose. He wants us to live with purpose.

I wish I could tell you the number of times I’ve gotten so caught up in my worries only to hear a still, small voice whisper, “daughter, I’ve already got it figured out.”

Read that again because He’s whispering the same thing to you.

God wants our trust, and not only after we have the answers. He wants it now, in the waiting.

So whether I will wait 1 more day, or 1 more year, or 10 years, I am trusting His timing, His plan, and His faithfulness. Why? Because I have seen it in my own life and in the lives of the ones I love.

He is a God who keeps His promises. He is a God who loves me. He is a God that wants the best for me.

He is a God who hears my prayers in the waiting and says, “daughter, just trust me. I’ve already got it figured out.”

find a friend like this

Find a friend who goes out for cookies and ice cream when the day is a little sad.

Find a friend who tapes notes to the bathroom mirror when she knows you could use some extra encouragement.

Find a friend that talks to you about the real stuff; the hard and Holy parts of life.

Find a friend that sees you’re stressed and says, “it’s going to be okay. Together we will figure this out.”

Find a friend that texts you just to say she prayed for you today.

Find a friend that wants to see you succeed and thrive, instead of trying to figure out ways to one-up you.

Find a friend that loves you enough to say, “I don’t think that’s the best decision.”

Find a friend that pushes you to exceed your own expectations.

Find a friend that listens as you tell her about all the messy parts of your life and then keeps those truths to herself.

Find a friend that sees you for who you really are and still thinks you’re great.

And when you find her, say a heartfelt thank you to the One who sent her—and do it often.
Because of her, the world is a brighter place.