It was never meant to be this hard.
I wasn’t supposed to be carrying this burden around with me everywhere I go. I wasn’t supposed to be battling fear, panic, and anxiety. I wasn’t supposed to struggle with trusting every person that gets close to me. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way.
But I do, and I’d be lying to you if I pretended that I don’t. The truth is, I don’t have everything figured out. I am not yet the healed, capable woman that I intend on being. And if I’m being honest with you, I often feel a mingling of fear, anger, and shame resting in the pit of my stomach.
I am angry that I will never be the girl that I was.
And sometimes, on the days that God whispers to me, I remember that I don’t want to be that girl anymore.
But there are parts of her that I miss. She was trusting. She saw the very best in everyone. She had an entire, untarnished, unbroken heart to give; and she gave it.
She also had a lot to learn. And maybe this part of her will never change, but she is learning and has learned a lot. She is wiser, stronger, and closer to her savior. She is finding the road to bravery and she will take it when she can. She will take it because God pulls her by the hand and takes every first step.
And although it was never meant to be this hard and I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, I do. And this mended, tarnished heart with cracks turned to seams is held in hands that bear their own scars.
And I will love again because He first loved me.
And sweet friend, I promise so will you.