I want to marry God’s choice

I don’t write about this often but I wanted to today.

I think about him a lot. I pray for him even more. I ask God to protect him, give him wisdom, and help him become a man who pursues Jesus whole heartedly; to become a man who will lead me closer to my savior.

My husband will arguably have the greatest influence on most aspects of my life. He will be the one that helps me build a home, not only for us, but someday, our children. He will be the one that prays with me, cries with me, and celebrates with me. I will spend the majority of my life doing my best to love him the way God has asked me to.

When I talk to God about him, I ask for someone kind. Someone that doesn’t just show kindness to me, but to everyone. I ask God for someone who is honest- even about the little stuff. I ask God for someone who will love me, and not just say he does but actually mean it. I ask God for someone who builds his life around Jesus before anything else.

The man I marry will be the one that walks through life with me. He’s the one that will encourage me to open up my Bible and pursue God’s opportunity over the enemy’s fear. He will help choose names for our babies (although he has to pick from the list of names that are already typed in the notes on my phone), and hold my wrinkled hand when we’re seventy five.

And all of this is why he has to be God’s choice. Despite all of my desires, whatever they may be, I only want what God wants for me and who God wants for me.

So when I pray for him, I ask God to choose him. I ask for God to write our love story; because if you ask me, those are the best kind.

And someday, when our paths cross, I have a feeling I will know that He really was God’s choice.

if you have prayers that you desperately want God to hear, read this

A few months ago I found myself worrying over some prayers that were really important to me; prayers I desperately wanted God to hear.

My mom told me to write them down and put them in my window, representing a constant state of prayer over those desires.

Before I left them there, I whispered this to God: “I’ve asked you for these things and will continue to do so, but I’m choosing to trust you and leave these here.” An act of surrender.

As I was moving out of my dorm room last weekend, in preparation for the next season of life, I remembered my prayers in the window. When I pulled up the blinds to take them down, excited to reread the words I had written, I saw three blank sticky notes.

Now I know why they were empty; I know that the sun had dried out the ink I put on the paper. But my heart knew something different:

God had heard my prayers.

I showed the blank pieces of paper to my mom. She said, “look! Your prayers flew to Heaven.” Simple as that.

To me, those empty pieces of paper, where my heavy prayers had once been, signified a loving God who just wants me to know that He knows. He picked my words up off of that paper, letter by letter, and is holding them in His hand.

He hears me. He hears you. He knows what matters to your heart, and it matters to Him. And if you’re praying some heavy prayers today, try leaving them in the window.

learn to be obedient in the small

The Bible says Ruth “found” herself in Boaz’s field.

She didn’t strategically place herself there in hopes that she would get to talk to him. She wasn’t stalking him on social media or trying to get his attention. In fact, she wasn’t even looking for him.

She was simply collecting leftover grains, because that’s what she knew to do in the middle of her crisis. Ruth 2:4 says that while she was there, Boaz arrived. A beautiful picture of God’s perfect timing.

But I’ve decided a couple of things about Ruth.

She was obedient in the small before she was obedient in the big. If she had decided she was “too good” to go out and gather grains, she would have never met her kinsman redeemer.

God placed her in that field with more than a solution to her heartbreak in mind. He ordained Ruth’s introduction with Boaz but then called her into greater bravery.

She found herself in the field but she placed herself at the threshing floor.

She stepped into her purpose by first stepping into obedience. In the big and in the small.

She allowed God to direct her path instead of trying to shove the pieces together on her own. She trusted His outcome over her own idea of what it should be.

She was bold and faithful and one heck of a woman.

I want to be like that.

if someone has not told you yet, me too

“me too.”

There is massive power in those two small words. Healing comes when you share pieces of your heart with a friend and she has the courage to say, “yeah I get it. I’ve been there too.”

It is during moments like these that the burden feels lighter and the loneliness wears thin. It is then that the messy things are buried by mercy and the regret is finally crippled.

God cannot heal the parts of your heart kept hidden.

So if someone has not told you yet- me too.

You have anxious thoughts that keep you up at night? Me too.

Sometimes you struggle to hear what God has to say? Me too.

You’ve been verbally, mentally, and emotionally assaulted? Me too.

At times you face what feels like a mountain load of regret, anger, and worry? Me too.

You’ve made mistakes? Me too.

Friend, I’ve been there too. I know what it’s like. I get it. And if I don’t, someone else does. You are not alone, ever.

Go to someone who loves you and share the things you’ve left in darkness. Tell them about the struggles you feel alone in. Talk about the battles the church has ignored. And I pray that the two of you will have the courage to whisper to each other, “me too.”

what’s in your cup?

I read something the other day that touched my heart and I wanted to share it with you.

Imagine that you’re holding a cup of coffee and someone comes along and bumps into you, making your coffee spill everywhere. Coffee came out of your cup because that’s what was in it.

That is why it’s so important that we fill our cups with love, patience, respect, and inclusion. Because if our cup is filled with hate, bitterness, anger, or judgement, those nasty things are what will spill out when someone comes along and bumps into us.

We may even accidentally burn that person with the contents of our cup. And we are guaranteed to burn ourselves.

Make sure to pay attention to what spills out when someone is shaken and rattled. Would you ask for a drink from their cup if you were thirsty? Would it make you feel better or worse?

What you carry inside is what will pour into the lives of the people around you.

If you need to, dump out that cup. Jesus will meet you at the well, ready to refill it with something pure and everlasting.

let my words be few

Sometimes God wakes me up in the middle of the night to remind me of you. Yes, you. The girl reading this right now.

With a gentle tap on my heart He’ll say, “I want you to share this with her.

And if I’m being honest, sometimes it seems hard and tedious and scary. Sometimes I doubt you’ll care. Sometimes I fear your judgement. Sometimes I find myself as Moses was, pleading with God over my inadequacy and lack of eloquence.

But then He will whisper again:

“Remember when you were her? Remember how it felt? Remember how desperately you needed those words? Remember?”

And with that soft reminder, the flutter in my heart for you will return.

I write these posts for you, sweet girl.

I write because I know life is hard and that it hurts. I write because I remember what desperation and loneliness feels like. I write because sometimes it’s all I can do to settle my own soul. I write because God has broken my heart for you.

I write because He asks me to.

So to you, I want to say: thank you for reading. I pray you find pieces of Jesus here.

And to my sweet Savior, I ask: please let my words be few.

I spent years saying no to God

I spent years saying no to God.

He would open doors for me that I refused to walk through. I would hear Him say, “I’ve given you this gift so you can use it for my Glory” and I would repeatedly choose to listen to lies like these instead:

-you’re not good enough 

-you’ll just embarrass yourself

-there are so many other people that can do this better than you can

-you aren’t worth it

I know I’m not alone. I know you’ve heard and believed these things too. Here’s the truth👇🏼

THE ENEMY IS ATTACKING YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS GOD IS TRYING TO USE YOU IN BIG WAYS

satan doesn’t lie just to make you feel bad. he lies because he’s terrified you’ll be used by God. he knows how powerful God’s love and truth is. Kick that sucker to the curb, sis.

This summer I decided to say yes. I stepped out in faith. My friend came to me and said, “I know what song you’re singing in worship.” I was terrified.

It was the same song God had been using to work on me over the last year. I would hear: “for all my days I will sing of the goodness of God” and He would whisper: “why aren’t you singing?” I hid from these gentle taps on my heart.

When I asked my friend why she had chosen this song for me, she said, “when I prayed about worship I saw you singing this.” I cried. I finally got it after all those years.

He was waiting on my yes. Arms open.

My sweet Jesus just wanted my “yes”—and friend, no matter how long you’ve spent saying no, He still wants yours too.

I’m not ready for this

 am not ready.

For weeks now I’ve allowed myself to speak unreadiness over my life, my confidence, and my body. Excitement was always followed with worries of falling short.

As the months turned into weeks and the weeks turned into days I would find myself awake at 1 AM asking God, “are you sure I’m prepared for this? Are you sure this open door wasn’t meant for someone else? Am I hearing you clearly?” 

Isn’t it funny how we often find ourselves questioning God’s judgement like we know better?

I’ll tell you how I honestly feel.

Underneath the initial excitement is fear, anxiety, and insecurities. There is a lurking feeling of inadequacy and unpreparedness.

Now I’ll tell you how God feels.

He says I am ready. He says, “daughter, I’ve been preparing you for such a time as this.” He says I am enough.

I may feel like I’m not prepared to take this massive leap out of my comfort zone, but the reality is that God never wanted me there in the first place. In His eyes, I am ready.

And girl, so are you.

If God has opened up intimidating doors for you, walk through them. Those feelings of inadequacy are part of satan’s plan to make sure you never see the wonders on the other side of your obedience.

As I wait to board this plane God is whispering to me, “you are ready for this.” 

And you know what? I think I finally believe Him.

I cannot fathom this kind of love

I sat on the pier the other night and looked out over the waves. The sun was setting over the tops of the palm trees as I began a conversation with God.

My prayer was overwhelmed with astonishment not only at God’s creation, but that He was allowing me to bask in it. I couldn’t believe that He had brought me to this island and introduced me to these people. I was overcome with awe at how much He cares for me.

And in that moment, almost just as light as the breeze, I heard Him whisper something to me. “I want to give you so much more than all of this.” Wow.

As I stare in astonishment at the things God has made, the places He has brought me, and the people He has given me, I am reminded just how powerful and mighty His love is for me.

I serve a kind God.

In His eyes, the wind and waves and sun and sand pale in comparison to me. They are nothing. It is me He loves. It is me He wants to give so much more to. It is me that He marvels at.

And my heart can’t seem to fathom that kind of love but oh I’m so thankful to have found it.

God deserves my unashamed praise

I stood in worship and cried.

I raised my hands and cried. I couldn’t sing but I cried. Those tears and trembling hands were my worship. They were what I had to give in that moment.

As I looked around the room I saw people on their knees, on their backs, on their faces. I saw people pouring their hearts into the music and I saw people with their heads bowed in silence. I saw a desperation for Jesus. I felt it. My heart was left raw and open yet completely healed and full.

I desire to worship.

Genuinely. Passionately. Desperately.

God deserves my heart. He deserves my unashamed songs of praise. He deserves more than memorized lyrics and complacency.

I am given the opportunity to worship the One who hung the stars. The One who makes the darkness flee. The One who whispered my name as He hovered over the empty and formless earth.

And He doesn’t want my lukewarm praise. 
He wants my heart. Open and bleeding. He wants my tears and raised hands. He wants the prayer of my heart when spoken words are too much.

I am done taking His presence for granted. I am done being okay with meaningless praise. I am done being complacent when the God of the universe gives me His attention.

I was created to worship wholeheartedly and doing so is the only way my heart will ever truly become full. Unashamed tears, desperation, and shaking hands if that’s what it takes.